Being here for three weeks, it seems like an eternity. I feel like I am living a different life. I left behind caring friends, a beautifully loving family, a wonderful boyfriend and just basically a really blessed, fortunate life. And I decided that part of that fortunate life was going to be taking the opportunity to go abroad, see a different part of the world and broaden my horizons. Going in, I knew it was going to be one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional experiences of my life. And so far, it has definitely proven to be so. I think about what I left behind every day. Some days, it is sad to think about the fact that I am not sharing this year of my life with them. But other days, most days, it is just a reminisce of a past life. Because this year is different. This year is separate from all the other years that I have lived in the past, and will live in the future. This year is a chance to experience something that most people only dream about. This year, I cry, I laugh, I smile, I yell, I love, I live. This year, I grow.
It is true that this will be one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional experiences of my life. I am lost here. I don't understand the things going on around me. I constantly have to strain my brain to comprehend the things people say to me, leaving me beyond exhausted every night, but unable to sleep without being plagued by dreams that make me believe that I am home with the people I love, only to wake up in the morning unrested but with no choice but to endure another day of the tsunami that is the French language. I find myself not fitting in, and feeling so out of place. I find myself getting frustrated. Not only with the people around me and the situation that is causing me so much hardship, but also at myself for thinking that this was a good idea. For thinking that I could handle this and that I could learn another life. And at God, for letting me fall into this. For letting me make this decision without fully understanding what I was about to undergo. I find myself wanting to go home.
So yes, it is true that this will be, and is, one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional experiences of my life. But it is also true that it will be one of the most strengthening, empowering, and self-defining experiences as well. Behind all of that sadness and worry and confusion is a strong-willed, ambitious girl who has decided that it was time to see something other than her own backyard. For every tear I shed, there are three smiles. For every sad moment, there are five moments of laughter. For every person I miss back home, there is someone here waiting for me. For every thought of angst and sadness, there is a prayer. And with every smile, and every laugh, and every person and every prayer, there is hope and light and the knowledge that I made the right the decision. That I took a risk and it was for the best. That I will learn more in this year, about the world and about myself, than I could ever imagine. This year, this separate life, will undoubtedly be the greatest tool I will receive to turn my life back home into the most rewarding and fulfilling life that I am capable of living. Every single experience of the year will be applied to my life as a whole. This one decision, this one risk that I have taken, will affect my entire life from here on in. And after much internal debate and an emotional roller coaster that will out-thrill any theme park ride, I have decided that this decision was the right one. And through all the struggle, and all the pain will come a stronger me. A me that can conquer anything that life decides to throw my way. So am I sad to leave my life behind for year? Yes. Do I miss the people I left behind? Absolutely. Do I get sad and stressed out every so often? You better believe it. But all of it will be worth it. This, I know for a fact.
Not only will this one decision, this one risk you have taken affect your entire life from here on in, it will affect your entire YOU from here on in. I can already see that happening in the way you write. You are reaching into deeper places and discovering what makes you you in a way that you would never have done if you had stayed in the comfort and joy of all that is home.
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this is the first post of yours that i'm actually reading, and the amount of emotions that you've put in writing this is admirable.. wish u all the best and it can be seen that the risk you took was for the best..
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