For All Those Affected By This Tragic Loss...

I have no words left for you.

I wish there was something I could say.

I've scoured my brain for the right words.

Something. Anything. Just to make you realize

How much I love you.

I've sat alone and pondered,

Reflected, with nobody but myself.

Wandering around the vast emptiness of my mind

Searching.

For Something. Anything. To show you

How much I love you.

To be separated by time and space

At this time of tears and grief

Is such a cruel trick of fate.

But my thoughts have been exhausted

Of Something. Anything. So that you understand

How much I love you.

So I am left with one thing.

There is only one word left.

This word that is always there.

Overused and underappreciated.

One word, cliché and old.

That holds the only truth I am sure of.

Love. I Love you.

I know it is not much, but it is all I have.

And I hope you see

How true it is.

And forgive me for my lack of creativity,

But I have nothing left.

Life took it all.

And here I stand, with one word

To make you realize, show you, so that you understand

How much I love you.

L.

O.

V.

E.

Nick, I love you. We are all going to miss you so much. But you are in a better place now, wrapped in the arms of our Lord, and he will keep you safe, for the rest of your eternal life. You were like a brother to me. And though this loss is tragic and we are all grieving, we wait for the day when we can see you again. In the meantime, we enjoy our lives because we know that is what you want. And when that day comes, and we meet again, I am going to give you a hug. Because I will miss you. And then we will all be happy, together, forever.

Dessoffy family and friends. I love you. All of you. So much. And I promise, even though I can't be there for the funeral today, I am sending all of my prayers, thoughts, and love your way. At this moment, the funeral is beginning. And I have never been more serious when I say that I am with you in spirit. And you can come to me at any time. Literally. 3am works for me. I am ALWAYS here for you. You are my family, and you come first. And again, I love you. Big hugs from Belgium.

Flowers For My Loved Ones

I wanted to go out and find you a daisy.

Because daisies are innocent, like you.

But I could not find a daisy for you.

So I tried to find a rose.

Because roses are beautiful, like you.

But I could not find a rose.

So I tried to find a lily for you.

Because lilies are colorful, like you.

But I could not find a lily.

So I tried to find lavender for you.

Because lavender is sweet, like you.

But I could not find any lavender.

So I gave up and dropped down in the grass and buried my head in my hands.

Because all these things in the world were true, but none seemed to be just right for you.

And I looked up and looked around and all of the sudden I found that I'd been sitting in a field of clover all along.

And when I looked closer, to my surprise I found, that every single one had four leaves, and my heart was filled with joy.

Because clover is innocent, like you.

And clover is beautiful, like you.

And clover is colorful, like you.

And clover is sweet, like you.

And all this time I had been too distracted to see what was right in front of my eyes. That more than anything, I am lucky to have you in my life.

So I picked some clover and brought it to you, and told you this story. And you laughed and your eyes were happy and bright as you told me that you are lucky too. And you put that clover in a cup of water and sat it down in the kitchen window. And even after it wilted, we know that it lives forever.

Because we are lucky to have each other.

14 days...

This is maybe the hardest day of my life... With 14 days left I decided that I was going to use the forbidden "L" word in my relationship. And why is it forbidden? Because when those feelings are not reciprocated that is the worst pain the world. The weirdest thing about it is that I didn't even say the words. It was just something that was understood between us, that we both knew that is what I was thinking. But he doesn't feel the same way. I couldn't sleep last night, but I finally managed to cry myself into a restless sleep around 4am and woke up with tears in my eyes. I know I'm young and stupid, but it slipped out and now I don't know what to do. Plus side, Ryan is beyond understanding. He is the most supportive person I know. Which is this situation, is very ironic. I just feel very sick and alone and helpless. There isn't any time for this relationship to grow deeper for him. I have 14 days. I'm really having one of those days where I just don't want to go. I really want to stay here, with him, in his arms. Forever. I don't want to leave. I don't want to have to worry about breaking up in two weeks. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with him.

Well this is quite the sappy, pathetic, sad post. What's the worst part? I can't even use the word for anything now. It sounds wrong. I feel so incredibly sick. I don't think I'm going to eat today...