The Saddest Day...

It's amazing how quickly good, even great, days can change. How one tiny email can completely throw your entire mood into reverse.

In all honesty, today was great. Last night was great. This weekend was great. I had the day off today. And I went to Brussels with my host mom and Mikayla for an exhibition about America.

But I can't blog about that today. Because when I got home, I got some terrible news in an email from my mother.

I don't know how much I can disclose at the moment, but I think I can give the bare minimum of information. A person in my life died last night. They took their own life. My best friend's brother. And I found out about two hours ago. And I have never felt more lost, more alone, more helpless, more useless, or more empty in my entire life. I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now. It's taking so much effort to even write this post, because I find that I can't even finish sentences. My brain is mush. I am in utter shock and I can't handle this. I can't even imagine what everyone back home is feeling. If there was one thing in the world that I could have right now, it would be that I could be home, comforting my loved ones as we go through this incredible loss. I wish that I could be with my best friend, because I know if it were me, I would want her to be there for me too. I wish that I could be there for her. I wish that I could be a comfort to her. I wish that this hadn't happened.

But as we all know so well, wishing is useless.

Because nothing ever changes.

And I'm stuck here in Belgium, wishing.

And nothing is changing.