Sick And Tired

Quite literally. Oh the joys of being female... But we won't get into that, because as I've said before, this is a family friendly blog, and the guys don't wanna hear about it.

But I will tell you how the last couple days have gone down. Yesterday, I actually had a fairly decently good day! It was Wednesday, which meant half day at school. First hour with the Père Boly, second hour in Social Sciences, and the last two in French. Right after school, Talia and I went to the gym, but since it was rainy and cold and gross outside, like Belgium has been lately, we decided to grab the bus, thinking it would be faster. Well, it wasn't. We stopped at one of the bus stops, and these guys in uniforms got on. Turns out they were the "conductors" for the buses. They go around the bus and make sure that everyone on it either has a bus pass that is valid or they paid for the ride. That is the first time it's ever happened to me. They do it sporadically and nobody ever knows when they'll be coming on the bus. I think somebody got fined because they had the wrong kind of bus pass, but I'm not sure.

Anyways, we got to the gym and Talia and I worked out for about an hour. I ran on the treadmill for the first time in a long time, and it was sadly tiring. I only did about ten minutes. But I also think I might be developing shin splints, which would be terrible, so I also have to take that easy. But all in all, it was fine, as usual. After we finished at the gym, we went back into Hannut and met up with Aymeric. Well, Talia met up with him. I tagged along for food (yes I know) at Point Chaud, where I had a mozzarella and tomato panini, and then I was outta there. I had texted a couple people to figure out when my bus passed through and they told me every hour at 5 after. So I planned on that and walked to the stop. But then it got to be 20 after and there was no bus. And it was rainy and the wind was blowing. So I was frustrated. And I walked back to the Grand Place and down one of the main roads, looking for a bus schedule, but of course every schedule is posted except for the 127. So eventually I just stopped at one of them and waited, figuring that a bus would have to come by eventually. About an hour after the original time I planned on, the bus pulled up. So it did come ever hour at 5 after, just not to the stop that I had thought. So really, I ended up standing in the rain for over an hour, waiting for a bus, because I didn't know that they don't always stop at all the stops. So Which is confusing. What is also confusing is that when I take that bus after school, it goes through a few villages before mine, but yesterday it went straight to Bertrée. Weird. But my conclusion is that the Belgian bus system has conspired with the Belgian weather to make me miserable. They both suck.

Once I got home, I didn't really do anything... It was already like 5 30pm, and I watched a whole bunch of "How I Met Your Mother" and finished season 2 while eating chocolate and peanut butter because I was craving it. Don't judge me. Then my host mom called me, asking where I was, and when I told her I was in the house, she laughed and said she didn't hear me upstairs so she wasn't sure if I was there. I laughed too and went down to dinner and ate with her. We had pork that had ham and cheese inside it and was breaded. And along side that was a carrot and potato mixture that was very good. It was already late and we had missed the news, so I went up to bed after that.

This morning I woke up and went to school as usual, but in a really bad mood. Lately, I've been feeling like a Coke bottle that a little kid has been shaking to see how long it will take before the lid just bursts off. I've just been feeling all kinds of stress and anxiety and everything building up inside of me. I want to go somewhere and scream, but I can't because I really think that it would freak out my host parents... Anyways, I have been predicting for a while when the big meltdown was going to happen, because I knew it was coming. Originally I had predicted it for today, but then I had such a good day yesterday (aside from the whole bus situation) that I thought I would make it til the weekend. But then during my Science class today, my little friend decided to pay me a visit. And tear my body apart in the process. Long story short, I ate my lunch but was in so much pain that I ended up alone in Père Boly's office for the rest of the lunch hour and the next hour (I had study hall). Talia had a few Advil that I was able to take, but they didn't seem to do much. The last time I had pain that bad was in the States and I had almost gone to the hospital because of it. One of my biggest fears lately has been that it was going to happen again while I was here and the fact that it happened in school made it so much worse. So needless to say, that did a great deal in bringing on the predicted anxiety attack.

When the pain gets that bad, I get to a point where I can neither sit nor stand nor walk nor lay down. Nothing feels comfortable. I'm just in pain. So there I was, laying on the bed in his office, alone, crying and twitching, trying to make it go away. Eventually I ended up kneeling on the floor with my torso laying across the bed and I fell asleep. That is how it happened last time too, except I fell asleep with my head in my mother's lap. I woke up when Talia and Mikayla and Eduardo came back from their adventures in Hannut. And I woke up with lines on my face from the blanket. The pain was way less, but it was still kind of there and I was worried so I called Colette and caught a bus home. This time, I waited at the right stop, and caught a decently timed bus.

I got home and ate a sandwich and then went upstairs where I ate more peanut butter and chocolate and watched "Frasier". I wasn't feeling too bad, and I ended up falling into a really restless sleep. The nap lasted a few hours, but I woke up quite a few times because the pain and cramps started to come back in waves. The thing about my cramps is that they radiate to my back and all the way down my tailbone instead of normal people who just get them in the lower stomach region, so there is no such thing as a comfortable position when they get that bad. Eventually I could not sleep anymore. This is when the big part of the meltdown happened and I sat in my bed and cried for a good hour. Just cried and cried. It was quite sad. Eventually, my host dad came up and asked me if I wanted to eat something. So I dried my eyes and tried to pull myself together because I knew that I should eat something good. By this time it was 8 30pm. I clearly wasn't going to my dance class tonight.

I get downstairs and both my host parents are smiling at me and trying to make me feel better. My host mom gave me a hug! A legitimate hug! I cried again, but I wasn't embarrassed, and they didn't laugh at me or make me feel uncomfortable. She just hugged me again and I dried my eyes and everything was ok. And I don't know what it was about it, but everything was just so warm and comforting and even though I was in a lot of pain, I felt better because they were just so sweet. Not even in an outwardly obvious sort of way. I don't know what it was. But I just feel so much more at home here. It's like they have really taken me in as their daughter. They gave me some meds, which I normally would refuse, but the pain was getting to be unbearable again. Colette had already made me a plate of food, so they just threw it in the microwave for me and both of my host parents sat down with me while I ate. It was a vegetable medley with some spices and a couple of meatballs. Which were really delicious. And then I had a sort of yogurt thing for dessert, but it didn't have much of a flavor so I added some jelly to some of it and honey to another part. I really love it here.

After I finished eating, I went back up to my room and talked with people, including my mom. And now I'm going to try to sleep again. I'm not sure that I will go to school tomorrow. We will see how I feel when I wake up. Right now, I'm ok. But as far as how it goes in the morning, we'll find out. But for now, sleepy time. Bonne nuit tout le monde.