Breakups... Happen...

I really can't post much tonight. It's been a rough night. All you need to know is that whatever was going on between me and Ryan is now over. It's nobody's fault, and I am not angry. Distance happens, and I understand why it ended. For anyone who is wondering, we will stay friends, but I do need a couple days. Things are going to be rough over here in Belgium for a while, so I might not post again until next week.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. When big things happen, it kind of puts everything else in perspective, and all of the sudden the little things seem trivial and unimportant. Like they don't deserve my effort or time or space in a Blogger box.

I also want to make it very clear that I blame nobody and I'm really truly not bitter or angry in the least. I'm upset, of course, but I understand. I will make it through this, and nobody should worry about me. I'm a tough cookie!!

14 days...

This is maybe the hardest day of my life... With 14 days left I decided that I was going to use the forbidden "L" word in my relationship. And why is it forbidden? Because when those feelings are not reciprocated that is the worst pain the world. The weirdest thing about it is that I didn't even say the words. It was just something that was understood between us, that we both knew that is what I was thinking. But he doesn't feel the same way. I couldn't sleep last night, but I finally managed to cry myself into a restless sleep around 4am and woke up with tears in my eyes. I know I'm young and stupid, but it slipped out and now I don't know what to do. Plus side, Ryan is beyond understanding. He is the most supportive person I know. Which is this situation, is very ironic. I just feel very sick and alone and helpless. There isn't any time for this relationship to grow deeper for him. I have 14 days. I'm really having one of those days where I just don't want to go. I really want to stay here, with him, in his arms. Forever. I don't want to leave. I don't want to have to worry about breaking up in two weeks. I don't want to be alone. I want to be with him.

Well this is quite the sappy, pathetic, sad post. What's the worst part? I can't even use the word for anything now. It sounds wrong. I feel so incredibly sick. I don't think I'm going to eat today...

What Keeps Me Up At Night...

So, technically it is now July 18th, but because I have not yet gone to sleep for the night, I say it's still the 17th. Which means I leave in ONE MONTH. This is insane. It keeps me awake at night! Thinking about how crazy this year is going to be. Like I said before, I am so very very excited to do this exchange, but the when I actually realistically think of what it is going to be like, the thought of it really does terrify me. I'm going to a different country, where they speak 3 languages that aren't English, and I'm going to have to decipher what people are trying to communicate to me with nothing to help me but my measly four years of high school French classes... Not to mention that I will be living in someone else's home, in an unfamiliar neighborhood with nobody around me that I know. And then there's the homesickness. Good golly gee wilikers! I have to say, the hardest thing for me is going to be leaving my boyfriend, Ryan. Of course, it is going to be really difficult to be away from my family for that year, but they are so supportive, and they want this for me as much as I do, and they are such a solid part of life. Those facts make it a little bit easier to be away from them. I know that they will be here when I get back. And my friends? Well of course that is hard too. But again, you can have many friends, make new ones and stay with the old ones. I will miss them, but I have a pretty good feeling that the majority of them will still be here for me when I return. But a romantic relationship is a one-to-one deal. And unpredictable. And involuntary for the most part. So yes, I can honestly say that that will be one of my biggest challenges. But it definitely helps having God on my side, and knowing that all things happen for a reason and this will all turn out the way it is supposed to in the end. But right now, it's hard :/

Other than that, I'm just nervous in general. But I'd say it's completely normal! There is a lot that I have to get done in order to be ready for this trip... Like packing... That's quite the dilemma... How do I pack in a timely fashion? I can't put it off until the night before like I normally would for a trip. That's ridiculous! What if I forgot something?? It's not like I can just live without it for a couple weeks and then come back to it when I get home. So really, I should start packing now. But then I do that and have nothing to wear for the next month? So you see, it's quite the conundrum.

I guess the bottom line is that I really am ready to leave and start this amazing adventure, but, naturally, I have some nerves and worries about it. But overall, I have high hopes and I know it's going to be spectacular!!