And This Is Why Blogger Sucks...

Ok so I was all ready to get back on track with a blog a day, and then Blogger freaks out and doesn't work on Thursday. Then Friday, it freaks out again on me and deletes half of one of my blog entries... This was yesterday. My host brother so very kindly asked me where my blog post went and I went on my blog and realized it was just gone. Not on my page at all. So I go into my drafts and it's there, but half deleted. And then I go on this morning and the whole thing is back like nothing ever happened. So I don't know what's going on but here I am, ready to blog again.

I realize that I posted on Wednesday, but I did not actually post about Wednesday and something actually happened that day! Wednesday we had the "Marche de Solidarité" at school. Which is pretty much a support walk that they do every year for some cause. This year it was for Haiti. The couple weeks beforehand, we collected money and recorded it on a blue sheet of paper that I conveniently lost, and then we did the walk on Wednesday after our first hour class. We walked by class around Hannut for about two and a half hours, talking, singing, just having fun. It was really nice out and the sun was shining, so it ended up being a pretty nice couple of hours, even if I hadn't really been looking forward to it. After we got back to school, we each got an apple and a water bottle and just chilled all together in that weird cement courtyard. Then I was supposed to go to Namur, but things got messed up and I ate lunch at Eduardo's house with his host family and went back home where I took yet another walk. It was nice with the sun. Thank you, Belgium, for not having the typical crappy weather lately!

Thursday was an average day. Nothing of importance. We went to school, ate cookies with Madame Vanesse, left school, and I had dance. Fun fun fun.

Yesterday was Friday the 13th. And it was a horrible day. Typically, I don't believe in all that Friday the 13th crap. But yesterday was just bad. Thursday and Friday I found myself in a nice little bout of homesickness and just plain loneliness. But Friday was definitely worse. I was in a bad mood all day, just sick of everything. Sick of school and french and people and being away from my family and adjusting to a new host family and getting fat and losing my ability to dance... Just all of it was piling up and on top of it all, I've been thinking about Nick sooooo much lately. I don't really know why, but he's on my mind all the time. So yah. All that together, you have a very sad and depressed Emma. Yes, I cried. Yes, I locked myself in a bathroom stall for the last 20 minutes of lunch because I couldn't handle being around people. Yes, I cried to people over Skype. And yes, I managed to calm down and pull myself back together. In the end, Manon and I had a great talk and I felt much better after talking to her. We spent the evening together watching "Mulan" in French. It was great bonding time, not gonna lie.

Today I woke up at 6 30am. I don't know why. I was upset with myself. So yes, I was tired today. I went to dance this morning as usual. We're working on our numbers for the recital in June. Remember those weird fabric tubes that I used for that one performance that I did a few months ago? Yah we're using those again to be clouds in one of the dances... I don't really understand, but I'm getting the impression that the classes are combining to do a sort of play/story line something... Anyways, afterwards I went home and chilled with the fam for a while. That afternoon, I got ice cream from this adorable little place in one of the adorable little villages around Hannut. Apparently there is this guy who makes all these different flavors of ice cream by hand. He is really really friendly. For example, Kriek ice cream. Not a joke. I didn't try that one though. I had speculoos and praliné. They were de-lic-ious. Again, there was sun this afternoon, which was lovely. And there's a nice little garden with trees and benches that looks out over the country side right next to the ivy covered building that houses the ice cream shop. It was perfect, sitting on one of the benches, the breeze blowing through the branches above our heads, looking at a blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds. *sigh*

Anyways, I spent my evening with Philippine, making cookies for her big communion party tomorrow and chatting about tons of different stuff. The cookies came out pretty good, although I still can't figure out why I can't get them to taste exactly like they do when I make them at home... Who knows. But for now, my bigger concern is sleeping. So goodnight world!

Hello Homesickness

Today was the roughest day I've had in a long time. I really am not entirely sure why, but the interesting part is that my mother was feeling pretty blue today as well. We seem to be connected over time and space in a weird way... Not to mention I really miss my (not) boyfriend. I woke up this morning with a rumbling stomach, but couldn't eat because I just did not feel good and my body didn't want food. It took quite a bit of effort to make myself eat at lunchtime. I've just been really distracted the last couple days. And I've been a day off. It really feels like Tuesday and it's felt like the day after for a good week now. I can't understand why. Probably because there is no school and no dance to keep my internal calendar up to date...

This morning I went to the gym for two hours, but before that, my host mom dropped me off at the post office to send off my Christmas packages. By the way, the United States gets one point for the USPS. I officially love the United States Postal Service, and will forever be gracious towards everyone who does/ever has worked there. Belgium, you're awesome, but your postal system sucks. I'll get back to that in a minute. I also have a bone to pick with Rotary. I depend on my monthly stipend to go into the bank of the 1st of every month, because that was what they told me was going to happen back in November. But of course, it wasn't there today and the post office doesn't take Visa, so I had to leave my ID card at the post office and run, literally, to the town square because the ATM by the post office was out of order (OF COURSE), and in Belgium, you're lucky if there's more than one ATM in every city. So I ran there and ran back, paid to send the packages, and then went to work out for two hours. But I hadn't eaten yet and I was exhausted and distracted and just not at the top of my game. The stair climber kicked my butt.

Around 1pm, Karine came to get me and we went to another post office to pick up a package that my parents had sent from the States, because you know, the mail man can't drop it off at the house. Again, USPS guys, you rock. What happens here is when you get a package, sometimes they leave you a slip in the mailbox that says it's here and you have to come pick it up from whichever post office. I got the slip last week. But because it's Belgium, the post office is always closed. Finally, we got to go today. Oh and I had to pay the taxes. Because it's Belgium. But of course, the post office was CLOSED. It wouldn't open for another fifteen or twenty minutes, so we went home and ate lunch, which was a pasta thing that my host dad had made. Then me and my host mom went to go get my package, which was surprisingly small and I don't understand why they couldn't drop it off at the house. OH and another about the Belgian post, if the weather isn't good, they just don't bring the mail. Once again, USPS, rain or shine, blazing hot or freezing cold, tornado or tsunami, they bring you your mail. Plus one, United States.

Obviously I'm a little down on Belgium today. I didn't do much with the rest of my day. I edited some more pictures, listened to music, talked to my mother, watched some Frasier. Then I went out to that Chinese restaurant with my host parents and Benoit. It was pretty delicious. I really like their wonton soup. And I didn't have a cup with an obscene picture in the bottom this time. The dinner conversation got me a little worked up too.

Here's something the Belgians can't get through their heads: The United States is BIG. Yes, there are problems, and yes there are corrupt people. But HELLO!! That happens everywhere! But there are a gagillion people in the States, so obviously the numbers are going to be higher and the problems magnified. And things are done differently in different regions. For example, all the Rotary clubs in Belgium are run pretty much the same way. But you can fit three Belgiums inside one Ohio. So obviously, my Rotary club is going to be different from Talia's, and both of ours are going to be different from Mikayla's too, because it's too big to keep everything consistent when different ways each work fine. That's just an example. But anyway, I wish the Belgians could understand that. But of course, I still don't know enough words in French to accurately convey that, though I tried. And I did not lose my temper, though I was so exhausted that I thought my head would explode.

Then I got home, edited pictures, and now I'm contemplating sleep. I switch families in three days. It's pretty nuts. Tomorrow, I don't have any plans, but I''m sure I'll go work out and maybe get my bus pass... Finally. Anyways, goodnight world.

Red pants today.

Some Candid Thoughts...

Today was uneventful. So I think I will take this opportunity to talk about something deeper than just the classes I took or the food I ate. Tonight, I will pour my heart out, and let everyone out there understand just how vulnerable and humbled these first three weeks have made me.

Being here for three weeks, it seems like an eternity. I feel like I am living a different life. I left behind caring friends, a beautifully loving family, a wonderful boyfriend and just basically a really blessed, fortunate life. And I decided that part of that fortunate life was going to be taking the opportunity to go abroad, see a different part of the world and broaden my horizons. Going in, I knew it was going to be one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional experiences of my life. And so far, it has definitely proven to be so. I think about what I left behind every day. Some days, it is sad to think about the fact that I am not sharing this year of my life with them. But other days, most days, it is just a reminisce of a past life. Because this year is different. This year is separate from all the other years that I have lived in the past, and will live in the future. This year is a chance to experience something that most people only dream about. This year, I cry, I laugh, I smile, I yell, I love, I live. This year, I grow.

It is true that this will be one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional experiences of my life. I am lost here. I don't understand the things going on around me. I constantly have to strain my brain to comprehend the things people say to me, leaving me beyond exhausted every night, but unable to sleep without being plagued by dreams that make me believe that I am home with the people I love, only to wake up in the morning unrested but with no choice but to endure another day of the tsunami that is the French language. I find myself not fitting in, and feeling so out of place. I find myself getting frustrated. Not only with the people around me and the situation that is causing me so much hardship, but also at myself for thinking that this was a good idea. For thinking that I could handle this and that I could learn another life. And at God, for letting me fall into this. For letting me make this decision without fully understanding what I was about to undergo. I find myself wanting to go home.

So yes, it is true that this will be, and is, one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional experiences of my life. But it is also true that it will be one of the most strengthening, empowering, and self-defining experiences as well. Behind all of that sadness and worry and confusion is a strong-willed, ambitious girl who has decided that it was time to see something other than her own backyard. For every tear I shed, there are three smiles. For every sad moment, there are five moments of laughter. For every person I miss back home, there is someone here waiting for me. For every thought of angst and sadness, there is a prayer. And with every smile, and every laugh, and every person and every prayer, there is hope and light and the knowledge that I made the right the decision. That I took a risk and it was for the best. That I will learn more in this year, about the world and about myself, than I could ever imagine. This year, this separate life, will undoubtedly be the greatest tool I will receive to turn my life back home into the most rewarding and fulfilling life that I am capable of living. Every single experience of the year will be applied to my life as a whole. This one decision, this one risk that I have taken, will affect my entire life from here on in. And after much internal debate and an emotional roller coaster that will out-thrill any theme park ride, I have decided that this decision was the right one. And through all the struggle, and all the pain will come a stronger me. A me that can conquer anything that life decides to throw my way. So am I sad to leave my life behind for year? Yes. Do I miss the people I left behind? Absolutely. Do I get sad and stressed out every so often? You better believe it. But all of it will be worth it. This, I know for a fact.

Yes, More Waffles

Today was quite an interesting day... I got up after having a dream that I finished my year and went home and nothing had changed and everyone that loved me was there and that I loved was there and it was a dream of love and family and friends and wonderful ness :) And then I woke up. And realized that I was not in my own bed, not in my own house, not in my city or state or country. And I'm sure it's needless to say, it made for a bad start to my day. I did not cry, but I definitely felt down.

But I started to feel better when I opened my bedroom door and was greeted by a nice big box with my name on it, clearly from my family back home :) I immediately brought it into my room and tore it open like a little kid at Christmas! Except that I was a little bit less enthusiastic after realizing that my sister got kind of tape happy and I could not tear it. So my excitement was interrupted by the need to get scissors and by the time I got it out of the wrapping, my vigor was a little dampened... Until I opened the shoe box that contained: 1. A nice big jar of Skippy creamy peanut butter (though I prefer JIF) 2. A pack of JIF To Go peanut butter 3. A bible (Which I asked for) 4. A letter from my sister and a note from my parents and another from my Grandma 5. A PopTart that was surprisingly not a bag of crumbs 6. An old iPod to put my music on for my sister. I was so very very excited to get this package, so my sadness was melting quickly, even though I missed the people that lovingly sent it to me, although it returned as I ate breakfast and prepared for my day...

That feeling did abandon me for a couple of wonderful hours as I met up with my good friend Talia (who is from Minnesota) at the train station in Wareme and took a 20-minute ride to Liège to meet up with some other exchange students.

I'm going to side-track here for a second to talk about how much I really adore the public train system. It is ingenious and convenient and easy and I don't understand why we don't make use of it in the States! Well, yes I do, but I still think we should. Not only is it fast, but it's inexpensive and well-maintained and actually enjoyable to ride. Bottom line: I really like the train :)

Ok back to today. The majority of the exchange students wanted to chill at a local bar but Talia and Brittany and I decided to do a little shopping. My mission today was to find myself a hair straightener. But we were hungry, so we stopped in at the supermarket and grabbed some croissants, BabyBell cheese (how Belgian of us, right?) and a few pears and ate while we walked. We walked forever before we finally found some shops. Let me tell you, Liège is not an easy city to navigate through if you don't know where you're going. We never really got lost, but we did a lot of walking. Finally we found an H&M (no straighteners there) and we did some window shopping and trying on and such. I ended up buying a really nice khaki-colored coat that has a wonderful Audrey Hepburn feel to it. It was almost fifty euros, but I really needed something to keep me warm, so I decided that it was worth it. The plus side? No sales tax in Belgium! And my debit card worked! So it was a successful buy. Then we walked around some more and found a very small mall in the middle of all the plazas so we ventured inside in pursuit of a straightener. We didn't find any stores that carried them, but we did find a sort of convenience store where I stocked up on gum and got some mousse so that my hair would be at least manageable until I found a straightener. (They did carry a few, but they were poor quality)

By this time it was getting close to 4pm so we decided to start making our way back to the bar to meet the other kids cause we had to catch our train back at 5:08. On the way, we probably passed up twenty hair salons, but no place to buy anything for hair. So that was disappointing. But what was not disappointing was finding a nice little bakery tucked away in one of the strips that had fruit-stuffed waffles. I got one with apple filling. It was to die for. Belgian waffles are absolutely fantastic.

So we hooked up with the other exchange students just as they were leaving and we all headed off to a different place to chill for a little while. There, there were tons of other students just hanging out and having a good time. Talia and I stayed for about a half hour before we had to leave to catch our train, and then we headed off to the station.

While I was on the train home, those feelings of sadness started to creep back up on me. It wasn't so much of a homesickness as a feeling of being ready to go home. I just really miss my parents and my friends and family. And daddy hugs. I really miss daddy hugs. Sometimes I just wonder if this was all worth it. I'm only two weeks in and this is a 10-11 month program... I know that it is the experience of a lifetime and that I won't regret it, but sometimes, in the moment, it's awful and I just want to go home. Those feelings followed me for the rest of the day and made me very very tired, not to mention the fact that I decided to go for a run after getting back, so I'm going to turn in for the night, a bit earlier than usual. But, I have a reason. I start school tomorrow, so I must get up early!

Is everyone out there enjoying my antics so far? Hehe :) Bonne nuit.